The C Word

January 30, 2022

1/25-30

So, it finally happened. Our first Dublin Covid scare. Well, a little more than a scare because five of my friends have Covid. But so far, I'm negative. I woke up this morning with a headache which could have been new Covid symptoms or my hangover from the night before. The last remaining girls hung out last night while the rest of our friends began their first night of isolation.

I've found a way to mention a different anxiety I have each blog, so today we'll talk about my Covid anxiety. It isn't really a fear of Covid itself, but more the anxiety of spreading it to friends. And the unknown of it.

Last night was in simple terms: wholesome. Flo, Paige, Annie, and I sat at my kitchen table (sorry Brenna) and spent the night listening to a Y2K playlist and drinking. When going abroad, these are the sort of moments I crave because you spend so much of your time socializing and trying as hard as you can to make friends and have fun. When you are making new friends, it's hard to have those moments where everyone is just relaxed and quiet together. My favorite thing about my friend Gianna from home is that we can spend most of our time in silence and just enjoy each other's company.

Last night was my first glimpse of a relaxed evening with people I am starting to consider my good friends. Girls are able to share secrets and emotional moments with people as if it is our skin care routine. I've noticed that one of my best and worst personality traits is how quickly I become comfortable with someone. It's one of my best traits because I am able to make new friends and socialize very easily. It is also a downfall because I expect everyone to be the same when socializing. When someone else doesn't reciprocate my energy or show the same friendliness that I do, I sometimes take it as them not liking me (very middle school of me). But I allow myself to think over that interaction again and realize, maybe it takes that person longer to feel comfortable around new friends, or maybe they just don't show emotions the same way that I do.

I think one of the most important things I have learned to tell myself is to not take things personally. Most of the time when I think someone deliberate tried to hurt me or thought I did something wrong, they probably weren't even thinking about me.

We are about a month into Dublin and I think the people who I've been hanging out with have become comfortable around each other. It obviously took some people more time than other's to adjust to new friends, but Friday night was a glimpse into what these new friendships could look like. I deeply enjoyed the ease of the night and the comfort we all seemed to feel with each other.

Despite the loveliness of the evening, I couldn't stop thinking about the Covid that was spreading through my group. I'm having trouble putting into words how I deal with Covid besides in a self-sabotaging way. No matter how many times I tell myself Covid is inevitable and if I get sick things will be fine, I can't stop myself from becoming physically sick over it. It gets to the point where I can barely get out of bed. My self-diagnosed hypochondria quickly blames any ailment or sign of sickness I feel on Covid. So for the last year, give or take, I have been under the impression that I have Covid.

But my anxiety with Covid isn't even the getting sick part. It's the spreading it to people I know and being selfish and inconsiderate and stupid. To me, if I don't quarantine myself or take 300 tests if I have been exposed or even exposed to someone who's been exposed to someone who's been exposed, then I am being irresponsible.

This tactic is impossible when everyone is getting Covid. Friday was one of those days where every time I looked at my phone, I had a new text saying another friend tested positive. It is safe to say my day was pretty horrible. Especially because the list of people I would have to tell was pretty long. But when I told my roommates that I could possibly have Covid, but I tested negative, they looked at me and told me to relax and that could literally happen to anyone.

I think my biggest problem is that my anxiety manifests physically, specifically in headaches and exhaustion and nausea, so when I get anxious about Covid, I feel sick so then I think that I have Covid symptoms so I get more anxious and it's a vicious cycle. But now it's Sunday night, and I tested negative again this morning. The hard part now is to get over the fear of going out. I plan to travel this weekend, and I feel like I need to quarantine until Friday. I know I shouldn't lock myself in my room in paranoia, but I feel like the walls are closing in. Dramatic as always, I know things will be fine. And that if I get sick, things will still be fine.

Pictures from my hike at Bray Head Mountain on Wednesday!