Mixed Emotions

So I did the math, and I've been in Dublin for 74 days and counting. I did a little more math, and I have about 7 weeks left until I go home. That feels surreal. I didn't do a halftime check in so I feel like now is a good time to dial into my emotions as I am more than half way through with my trip. 

One of my friends Parker posted a story on her account talking about how emotionally draining studying abroad is. I don't really let myself think about how exhausting this whole trip is because who really wants to hear my complain when about studying abroad in fucking Ireland. 

"Oh you're tired? Must be so exhausting traveling the world and going out every night." 

As I wrote in my first blog, there's a lot of things no one tells you and that you don't expect when traveling abroad. If you're abroad alone, the loneliness sets in fast. If you travel a lot, the money starts to dwindle. If you're always moving and doing, your burnouts are even more draining. 

Adding all of those things together equals to a lot of different emotions felt all at once. 

As most people reading this blog know, I am an extremely emotional person. Things affect me very easily whether it be someone's words or lack of sleep and structure. The crashes I feel after landing back in Dublin are a mixture of exhaustion and the anxious anticipation of what to do next that leave me trapped in bed for days at a time. My dad has been telling me that I need to be okay with doing nothing sometimes, but it's hard when I feel like i'm on a countdown with an impossible to-do list that I must finish. 

Struggling with depression abroad is a weird thing. When I'm at home or school, it's so easy to stay in bed for days on end, venture to my kitchen whenever I need to eat, and lug myself to class. But here, I don't have as many people checking in on me. I don't have my mom knocking on my bedroom door or Merci sleeping in the bed across from me. I don't know my professors here and they don't know me so going to class barely feels like a requirement. When I have homework building up and my body feeling like it weighs ten tons, motivation to do anything is non-existent. 

The way that it would be so easy to completely cut off the world here is scary. It makes getting into my episodes even more frightening because I don't want to get to the point of no return. These weird, dark feelings are hard to have when I'm across the ocean and away from people who have known me longer than 74 days. But, and here's my next transition, the friends I've made here are probably a part of the reason that I'm able to keep going and going and going. 

I'm known to have a panic attack or two at the drop of a hat. Usually exhaustion triggers them. In Edinburgh, I had my first panic attacks in months and they hit me out of nowhere. They came at me rapid fire. This was still pretty early on in my abroad, and I had only known these people for maybe a month. But my friend Annie stayed with me the entire time and helped calm me down. And just the other night at the bar, she told me, "if anything is wrong, just tell me. I got you just like in Edinburgh." Come on man. Heart = melted. 

I had another exciting panic attack in the midst of Saint Patrick's day, more details to come. I found myself freaking out outside of the bar because I regrettably drank way, way too much. My friend Flo stood with me the whole time and made sure I calmed down before we rejoined our friends. That whole day, I had friends checking in with me as I was obviously not completely in control, and making sure I got home safe and sound. 

I've known these people for less than three months, and I can trust them to not leave me to stumble around Dublin city alone and to coax my down off of a ledge. It startles me a little bit how quickly I made these friends and how strong these relationships have grown. Three months is not a long time, but I somehow made strong enough friendships that will probably be the thing I miss the most about this trip. 

This weekend, my friends and I have spent three nights in a row going out. We haven't gone out in a big group in a while, and spending time with these people is making me realize how happy I am with them. Like I love hanging out with them. It's hard finding friends to be comfortable around, especially when you're an anxious head-case like myself. I second guess friendships and relationships like it's my job, but somehow, the people I've met here found a liking to me and stuck with me. (We still have a month to go though so hopefully they'll stick around longer.)

~

When I say Saint Patrick's day is a blur, I mean it. I'm someone who typically doesn't drink too, too much and can hangout and party without getting very drunk. But Thursday morning, I woke up in this out-of-body mood where I was ready to drink and party all day long. Shocker, I was not, however, ready. 

We started drinking at 9 am, and miraculously, I somehow made it to 4 pm. I was sitting on stranger's shoulders, passing my wine bottle around, and doing an instagram take over for my school's study abroad. By 4:00, I knew it was time to take my ass home. I said goodbye for my friends, hailed a taxi, and threw up out of the side of the car on my way home. It was a rough night from there. 

But all that matters is that my outfit was perfect, and I looked beautiful, as I typically do, in all of the pictures and videos. 

As I said before, I'm not a huge drinker, but I decided to go on a three day bender. I was peer pressured into going out Friday night AND Saturday night, against my better judgement. 

Last night, let me tell you, was a good night. Some friends from Ithaca were visiting Dublin, and I wanted to meet them in the city. These were my first guests from the US, and I had to turn on my local knowledge. I had to show them that Dublin is my city and that I belong here. Because I do. 

In the most Irish and cool way ever, I met them at a pub, told them some things about Dublin, drank a GUINNESS, and introduced them to my friends all in an hour. Major cool points for me. 

It was so good to see people from home. I was telling them how nice it was to be around people who know me as Ithaca Julia and not some girl from New Jersey. 

*I'm literally giggling as I write this idk how I got so lucky to be here this semester*

I know I keep saying this, but seeing a familiar face or two is just so nice. Spending the night with them was so nice and relaxing and I enjoyed it so much. 

I'm going to make this post a shorter one because I really haven't got up to much these past two weeks. My parents and Richard are visiting this weekend though, so prepare for that special blog post. 

Here is a haiku to my dad because he asked me to feature him in my blog. 75% chance that he'll even read this. 

Dad,

Thanks for all you do,

You are a pretty cool dude,

See you very soon. 

Here are some random pictures from my past two weeks in Dublin.